mental health

Addiction

Nights like these where I am just chilling in bed, missing him I really crave smoking pot. I know that makes some people uncomfortable, but I did promise myself with this blog to be honest…even when it’s uncomfortable.

I really don’t believe weed is addictive. I just wish I could just get out of my own head and into his arms. Honestly I miss the clam and good feeling when I was high. Being in his arms made me feel so safe and calm. Especially how much this week has been hard, filled with these ups and downs I began to crave those two things like no other.

I know doing this without forming a dependence on those things is what is going to make me stronger. It’s forming a dependence on myself to give me that calm good feeling is what the goal is. I just wish everything can just be smooth sailing for once.

Can A Person Change?

Is it possible to believe time apart will awaken the eyes of the other to a different perspective on the relationship?

I write this because of the thought that ”Hey if I want this to work I know I have to put in the work”. Now I can’t help but to ask two things.

Is he thinking the same thing?

Or maybe I can be his example of hard work and dedication.

As I stated before in my previous blog…I am not on this self-renewal journey because of the want to be with him. I am doing this journey for me and me only. Living life aimlessly without a sense of self-love and care was not the lifestyle I wanted to live anymore.

I cannot help but wonder is it wrong to want to be the change in someone else life? Is it okay to reach for that goal….be me so others see ”Wow she’s really happy…I want some of that”? Can a person really change another person?

Status

No One Tells You It Is Going To Be Easy.

I miss him terribly….how do I stop? My story begins with a minor car accident I was in. I am okay just a cracked bumper. What led to the accident was however not so minor. I have been dealing with depression for about some time now. I shouldn’t say dealing with more like running from my depression for about some time now. I was running from it until it literally crashed me into a street sign on the side of the road. That day or what I can recall from it was I knew I was tired of feeling worthless. From being recently born again in Christ I knew I wanted to be in heaven with Jesus and God. The only way I knew how to do that was to die.

So I ran my car off the side of the road into a one-way street sign. Now, most of you are wondering “WHAT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?!“…..well ladies and gentlemen that is what you call a manic episode. Yep, that is correct my first episode was when I was driving oh and did I forget to mention I was high off weed. I never saw myself as someone to love weed….not until 6 months ago when I thought I have found the escape to all of my problems, little did I know it was causing a lot more problems than I like to admit. My ex-boyfriend and I would love to smoke weed. All-day, every day. I became more addicted I would say than he was. Furthermore, I was on Adderall for my ADHD during this time. Now back to the story not being in a right nonstable mindset I called 911. From there the cops took me to the hospital and the hospital admitted me to a mental hospital. During the course of the crash, calling everyone plus 911 to tell them I was going to die and begin moved from police car to hospital to hospital, I started hallucinating I was in heaven and nothing was really happening to me.

After this traumatic event, I have been doing a lot better. I am currently 2 1/2 months free of any drug use, been going to professionals for the right help to handle my depression. After my release date from the mental hospital, I decided this was the time for me to be alone. I couldn’t be in a relationship until I become stable and confident within myself. I know I cannot head back down this road of escaping my problems anymore. This is the time to buckle down and get the help I need to live a better for-filled life. Everything seems to be going good, except for dealing with the break-up with my boyfriend. I miss him every day. I could just simply be walking down an aisle of a grocery store when BAM! A memory of us going to our favorite grocery store pops in my head. I know I made the right call to be alone but let me tell you no one says for an extrovert being alone could be so lonely.