Is it possible to believe time apart will awaken the eyes of the other to a different perspective on the relationship?
I write this because of the thought that ”Hey if I want this to work I know I have to put in the work”. Now I can’t help but to ask two things.
Is he thinking the same thing?
Or maybe I can be his example of hard work and dedication.
As I stated before in my previous blog…I am not on this self-renewal journey because of the want to be with him. I am doing this journey for me and me only. Living life aimlessly without a sense of self-love and care was not the lifestyle I wanted to live anymore.
I cannot help but wonder is it wrong to want to be the change in someone else life? Is it okay to reach for that goal….be me so others see ”Wow she’s really happy…I want some of that”? Can a person really change another person?
This is going to be a short blog. I have been feeling so depressed with this breakup.
I’m writing because it’s funny how a simple scent of soap can hurt me so much. It takes me back to when we were shower together and or hurrying to find it because it was his favorite scent I would wear. This missing him and wishing he was here hurts so bad.
How do you know you’ve found the one? How do you know that all of these feelings, emotions, and speculation are true? How do you know this be who youbare suppose to be with? How do I know this is Gods will?
I wonder how are you doing? Do you still have that smile that is so contagious that I can’t help but stare? Listing to our song takes me back to the fun times we had. If I could only rewind the clock back just to hear that laugh that gets me every time. “It’s so sweet knowing that you love” those lyrics have held such great value over time, haven’t they?
I remember the first time you had me listen to this song. It was my first time picking you up for work, I never told you but I was so nervously excited that day. You were worried about making me tired for work when you had to be there earlier then I did. I told you it was fine because I couldn’t wait for our drive to work.
Do you remember reaching over for my hand…..I was hoping you didn’t feel how clammy they were. To swift my nervous I remember asking you if you wanted to play some songs….then you played this song. The song that know breaks me.
“Sweet” by Cigarettes After Sex has became an forever emotional attachment. It takes me back to me cracking jokes just to see you smile. You were worried I wouldn’t like it but it became OUR song.
I’m writing to you because night like these, where I feel crushed and don’t know what to do, I want to know what you are thinking. Truth is I am not over you. I miss you.
Ever have to fight the urge to reply to a” how are you?” text from the ex?
I just keep staring at the words on the screen and watch my thumbs hovering over the keyboard, hoping that the words I feel in my heart just jump out onto the screen. I feel like if i reply with pure honesty the selfish feeling of ”well maybe they are feel as miserable I can find some odd comfort in that”.
What do I do follow my heart of what’s the harm of a text of ”healing that’s how I am doing I am healing?” or just ignore the text like it never existed?
I sit here and just get lost in memories of him and I. Waking up seeing his beautiful brown eyes gazing into mine. Our many laughs where my sides ended up hurting. Leaving his house feeling so secure knowing this was it for it me.
Do we remain friends? I mean how do you just let someone who makes you feel like you are floating on air go away? How do I remain friends with someone who stole a piece of my heart that I don’t think I will ever get back?
With all of these question running around in my head, I’m still trying to find the silver lining in the saying ” it’s better to have loved than to not have loved at all”. The way I am feeling I’d rather have not fallen for him because I’m having the hardest time getting back up again.
How do I let go of all these happy memories him and I shared? How do I face myself to do the things I use to love that we grew to do together, such as watching the office or sharing a Ruben sandwich? It seems as though the simplest things are the hardest things to do.
They weren’t kidding when they say getting over someone is one of the hardest things to do, especially when you are one who decides to end it off. I have never had to let someone go when I really don’t want to but deep down I know it is whats best for me.
It would be so easy if he was some asshole who didn’t give two craps about me, but he has showed me what unconditional love looks like. Though some of you are thinking why just stay with him…that’s where I need to focus on the facts. If I force someone to change at my expense, I know that down the road things will fall apart. That is because I know that person can’t be their true self. It sucks when he is what I want but don’t need. All I am thinking of is “if he didn’t smoke pot”, “if we met on different terms”…..maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much.
HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS?! How do people battle this unending sharp pain in the chest, that feels like you have 100lb rocks just sitting where your heart was? How do people get over the one they love? How do people love again? How do people sleep during rough nights like these where all you do is see his face, feel his touch, smell his good scent, hear his laugh. WHY IS THIS SO HARD?!
Nights like these where I am just chilling in bed, missing him I really crave smoking pot. I know that makes some people uncomfortable, but I did promise myself with this blog to be honest…even when it’s uncomfortable.
I really don’t believe weed is addictive. I just wish I could just get out of my own head and into his arms. Honestly I miss the clam and good feeling when I was high. Being in his arms made me feel so safe and calm. Especially how much this week has been hard, filled with these ups and downs I began to crave those two things like no other.
I know doing this without forming a dependence on those things is what is going to make me stronger. It’s forming a dependence on myself to give me that calm good feeling is what the goal is. I just wish everything can just be smooth sailing for once.
What do you do when you feel you can’t amount to anything? When everyone around you has to consistently help you because you do everything wrong. You are scared to load the belt at the grocery store because someone is going to ask ”what are you doing” ”do you know how to load the belt?” ”here let me show you?” When you are jealous of your little sister because of her immense amount of beauty and smarts.
You feel so small when you are around her because you know and understand she is someone who is going to tackle the world. You want to ask her ”how? How do I become you?” ”How do I become as skinny as you?” ”as smart as you?” ”as strong-willed and grounded as you?”
Instead, you sit in your room thinking of ways to just keep moving and wishing life wasn’t so hard. Instead, you sit and cry and feel sorry for yourself because how can I make everyone proud when you have such a huge role model in your life who is impossible to live up to. What do you do with this hurt?
I haven’t written in a while, I would love to say its because I have been so busy. Frankly, it’s because I have put myself on the hot seat. If that makes any sense.
Throughout this process of finding me, I’ve realized I only have been focusing on what I want and not what I need.
It’s hard to decipher my wants from my needs for example ”I really want these new pair of shoes, but in hindsight do I really NEED these new pair of shoes”. I use this example because that’s how I have let go of him. Now I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt.
Of course, I still think about him constantly. I believe I will always love him. That’s where my want to be him comes in so strongly. I just need to stay in touch with the need part. ”What I need from a man is a nonsmoker of pot, soften temper and doesn’t let the insecurities take control” .
The want is because I love him, over time he became my best friend. Here’s where I need to focus on what I need in my life verse what I want. The truth really first but it does set you free.