This is going to be a short blog. I have been feeling so depressed with this breakup.
I’m writing because it’s funny how a simple scent of soap can hurt me so much. It takes me back to when we were shower together and or hurrying to find it because it was his favorite scent I would wear. This missing him and wishing he was here hurts so bad.
Dear Someone I Can’t Let Go,
I wonder how are you doing? Do you still have that smile that is so contagious that I can’t help but stare? Listing to our song takes me back to the fun times we had. If I could only rewind the clock back just to hear that laugh that gets me every time. “It’s so sweet knowing that you love” those lyrics have held such great value over time, haven’t they?
I remember the first time you had me listen to this song. It was my first time picking you up for work, I never told you but I was so nervously excited that day. You were worried about making me tired for work when you had to be there earlier then I did. I told you it was fine because I couldn’t wait for our drive to work.
Do you remember reaching over for my hand…..I was hoping you didn’t feel how clammy they were. To swift my nervous I remember asking you if you wanted to play some songs….then you played this song. The song that know breaks me.
“Sweet” by Cigarettes After Sex has became an forever emotional attachment. It takes me back to me cracking jokes just to see you smile. You were worried I wouldn’t like it but it became OUR song.
I’m writing to you because night like these, where I feel crushed and don’t know what to do, I want to know what you are thinking. Truth is I am not over you. I miss you.
I’m asking everyone out there who has experienced a breakup they didn’t want to experience. Rather you ended it or the other person did…..when does it get better?
When does the crying at night, constantly thinking about them, and sharp pain in your chest go away? It’s been 3 months since I have broken up with him when does this stop?
Ever have to fight the urge to reply to a” how are you?” text from the ex?
I just keep staring at the words on the screen and watch my thumbs hovering over the keyboard, hoping that the words I feel in my heart just jump out onto the screen. I feel like if i reply with pure honesty the selfish feeling of ”well maybe they are feel as miserable I can find some odd comfort in that”.
What do I do follow my heart of what’s the harm of a text of ”healing that’s how I am doing I am healing?” or just ignore the text like it never existed?
I sit here and just get lost in memories of him and I. Waking up seeing his beautiful brown eyes gazing into mine. Our many laughs where my sides ended up hurting. Leaving his house feeling so secure knowing this was it for it me.
Do we remain friends? I mean how do you just let someone who makes you feel like you are floating on air go away? How do I remain friends with someone who stole a piece of my heart that I don’t think I will ever get back?
With all of these question running around in my head, I’m still trying to find the silver lining in the saying ” it’s better to have loved than to not have loved at all”. The way I am feeling I’d rather have not fallen for him because I’m having the hardest time getting back up again.
Today was a fresh relaxing day. I woke up maintaining the same motivation from yesterday. I felt it…today is going to be MY day! I’m letting go of all stressors and moving on with this journey to restore my sense of self. Then it happened I got a call from my ex. Was the temptation to answer the phone there…tremendously!
We haven’t spoken on the phone since the day of my accident. I’m just not in the right mindset to answer his calls right now. I know I have to be stable and confident within myself before I can have a conversation with him. In order to do that I have to separate my wants from my needs.
I know he is aiming to see if he’s blocked or see how I am. The frustrating part about him calling is the perception of my desire to be independent is not being honored and or respected for that matter. Further or do, the frustrating part about him calling to check up on me is it sets me back. I’m left with this lingering sad vibe, that is hard to shake. I become snappy and more on edge. I have to fight this feeling before it takes over me.
I begin to feel more motivated to discover who I am, then I see his name show up on my phone and here I am thinking about him all over again! It weird… it’s as he knows im letting go.
I miss him terribly….how do I stop? My story begins with a minor car accident I was in. I am okay just a cracked bumper. What led to the accident was however not so minor. I have been dealing with depression for about some time now. I shouldn’t say dealing with more like running from my depression for about some time now. I was running from it until it literally crashed me into a street sign on the side of the road. That day or what I can recall from it was I knew I was tired of feeling worthless. From being recently born again in Christ I knew I wanted to be in heaven with Jesus and God. The only way I knew how to do that was to die.
So I ran my car off the side of the road into a one-way street sign. Now, most of you are wondering “WHAT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?!“…..well ladies and gentlemen that is what you call a manic episode. Yep, that is correct my first episode was when I was driving oh and did I forget to mention I was high off weed. I never saw myself as someone to love weed….not until 6 months ago when I thought I have found the escape to all of my problems, little did I know it was causing a lot more problems than I like to admit. My ex-boyfriend and I would love to smoke weed. All-day, every day. I became more addicted I would say than he was. Furthermore, I was on Adderall for my ADHD during this time. Now back to the story not being in a right nonstable mindset I called 911. From there the cops took me to the hospital and the hospital admitted me to a mental hospital. During the course of the crash, calling everyone plus 911 to tell them I was going to die and begin moved from police car to hospital to hospital, I started hallucinating I was in heaven and nothing was really happening to me.
After this traumatic event, I have been doing a lot better. I am currently 2 1/2 months free of any drug use, been going to professionals for the right help to handle my depression. After my release date from the mental hospital, I decided this was the time for me to be alone. I couldn’t be in a relationship until I become stable and confident within myself. I know I cannot head back down this road of escaping my problems anymore. This is the time to buckle down and get the help I need to live a better for-filled life. Everything seems to be going good, except for dealing with the break-up with my boyfriend. I miss him every day. I could just simply be walking down an aisle of a grocery store when BAM! A memory of us going to our favorite grocery store pops in my head. I know I made the right call to be alone but let me tell you no one says for an extrovert being alone could be so lonely.
Magical World Of K 