Call From The EX

Today was a fresh relaxing day. I woke up maintaining the same motivation from yesterday. I felt it…today is going to be MY day! I’m letting go of all stressors and moving on with this journey to restore my sense of self. Then it happened I got a call from my ex. Was the temptation to answer the phone there…tremendously!

We haven’t spoken on the phone since the day of my accident. I’m just not in the right mindset to answer his calls right now. I know I have to be stable and confident within myself before I can have a conversation with him. In order to do that I have to separate my wants from my needs.

I know he is aiming to see if he’s blocked or see how I am. The frustrating part about him calling is the perception of my desire to be independent is not being honored and or respected for that matter. Further or do, the frustrating part about him calling to check up on me is it sets me back. I’m left with this lingering sad vibe, that is hard to shake. I become snappy and more on edge. I have to fight this feeling before it takes over me.

I begin to feel more motivated to discover who I am, then I see his name show up on my phone and here I am thinking about him all over again! It weird… it’s as he knows im letting go.

Feeling good. Will it last?

Today I finally felt a little fraction like myself!!

Going on bike rides, taking photos in the park… I even had the courage to go on two bike rides.

I found the more I kept busy the harder it was for me to remember my depression. My anxiety was still very much existing every time I had to tell a stranger walking ”on your left”.

I know God is with me through this expedition of becoming me again. I pray to continue to keep this motivation and determination in everything I do.

Is this me?

Instead of writing how I feel I decided to turn this into a worldwide question. I’m sitting here wondering how do I know this is me?

The question or I would say the answer I came up with ”is being yourself just doing something without overthinking….is that when you’re your true self?”

For example, my biggest fear is annoying those around me. The fear sits when I start talking with people I get in my own head ”stop talking…that’s all you do is talk”. Instead of thinking about how much I am talking if I get out of my head will that be me?

What is everyone take on this? If you let go of all negative comments and thoughts about yourself, does your true identity shines through?

Giving Up

What do you do when you just want to give up? I ask this because currently, I have found myself just not trying anymore. I started to feel worthless as though I have nothing to offer this world.

I try and try again telling myself…today is going to mean something. Then here comes me over-analyzing everything. Just staying in my corner where I feel safe. I mean who can judge you when they can’t hear or see you?

When I first started this journey of finding who I was, I remember being so excited so free. I mean I could be who I wanted to be!

It wasn’t until this last 2 weeks I’ve been feeling defeated, worthless, and quite honestly just someone who takes up space. I fear myself because I feel as though I am slipping back into my old ways. I’m tired of living life like this! I see myself going backward it’s only time to move forward. Finding that strength to do so is the chanllenge.

Fake It Until You Make It

You probably have heard the saying “Fake it until you make it”. If you haven’t it pretty much means to fake happy until you are. Some may say this method works especially if you are dealing with a breakup. I have found that this method is a quick picker-upper, but it doesn’t solve anything.

I have tried to fake happy through multiple aspects of this breakup. When I would hear a song on my phone that takes me back to him and I just driving around singing along to the tune, instead of instantly hitting the next button I would take time to enjoy that memory. Now that doesn’t seem like faking it, more like embracing the moment sorta speak.

The faking it would come to play when I lied to myself saying it’s okay to listen to the song that holds an endless amount of memories what harm could come out of it? At that moment I felt happy…..truly. It wasn’t until the song had ended I began to feel myself become instantly sad. Filling myself with questions of “How can one song hold so much value?”

This experience I have learned that the faking it caused me to forget what was happening at the moment, but didn’t give me the solution of dealing with such heartache….if that makes any sense. Allowing myself to enjoy that memory opened my eyes to accepting some joy into my life, but how can I get over the hurt of us being apart?

I realized (after becoming annoyed with my own thoughts and questions) that I loved this band before we started dating. This wasn’t a song that magically appeared in the relationship, this was a song that was commonly loved by both of us. The shared interest in this band brought us closer together…of course it did, but I began to discover it wasn’t the relationship that introduced me to this band. It was my upbringing from my dad that I loved this band.

This realization set me free. I thought I am NOT going to allow this breakup to take away my love of music. When looking back I am thankful for allowing myself to listen to songs I fell in love with long ago.

It wasn’t the faking part that brought me happiness….it was the pushing myself to do the hard things. Such as listening to music that holds good memories of the relationship, embracing this discovery of myself and finding old pieces of who I am. As a conclusion I think that faking it until you are happy gives you a chance to “enjoy” moments in your life, just remember when you are faking something you are not discovering/showing your true identity.

“See the worst thing about doing this
Doing something like this
Is I think that at first people sort of are a bit suspicious
‘You know, come on, what are you up to?”~Day In The Life

Can A Person Change?

Is it possible to believe time apart will awaken the eyes of the other to a different perspective on the relationship?

I write this because of the thought that ”Hey if I want this to work I know I have to put in the work”. Now I can’t help but to ask two things.

Is he thinking the same thing?

Or maybe I can be his example of hard work and dedication.

As I stated before in my previous blog…I am not on this self-renewal journey because of the want to be with him. I am doing this journey for me and me only. Living life aimlessly without a sense of self-love and care was not the lifestyle I wanted to live anymore.

I cannot help but wonder is it wrong to want to be the change in someone else life? Is it okay to reach for that goal….be me so others see ”Wow she’s really happy…I want some of that”? Can a person really change another person?

Status

No One Tells You It Is Going To Be Easy.

I miss him terribly….how do I stop? My story begins with a minor car accident I was in. I am okay just a cracked bumper. What led to the accident was however not so minor. I have been dealing with depression for about some time now. I shouldn’t say dealing with more like running from my depression for about some time now. I was running from it until it literally crashed me into a street sign on the side of the road. That day or what I can recall from it was I knew I was tired of feeling worthless. From being recently born again in Christ I knew I wanted to be in heaven with Jesus and God. The only way I knew how to do that was to die.

So I ran my car off the side of the road into a one-way street sign. Now, most of you are wondering “WHAT WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?!?!“…..well ladies and gentlemen that is what you call a manic episode. Yep, that is correct my first episode was when I was driving oh and did I forget to mention I was high off weed. I never saw myself as someone to love weed….not until 6 months ago when I thought I have found the escape to all of my problems, little did I know it was causing a lot more problems than I like to admit. My ex-boyfriend and I would love to smoke weed. All-day, every day. I became more addicted I would say than he was. Furthermore, I was on Adderall for my ADHD during this time. Now back to the story not being in a right nonstable mindset I called 911. From there the cops took me to the hospital and the hospital admitted me to a mental hospital. During the course of the crash, calling everyone plus 911 to tell them I was going to die and begin moved from police car to hospital to hospital, I started hallucinating I was in heaven and nothing was really happening to me.

After this traumatic event, I have been doing a lot better. I am currently 2 1/2 months free of any drug use, been going to professionals for the right help to handle my depression. After my release date from the mental hospital, I decided this was the time for me to be alone. I couldn’t be in a relationship until I become stable and confident within myself. I know I cannot head back down this road of escaping my problems anymore. This is the time to buckle down and get the help I need to live a better for-filled life. Everything seems to be going good, except for dealing with the break-up with my boyfriend. I miss him every day. I could just simply be walking down an aisle of a grocery store when BAM! A memory of us going to our favorite grocery store pops in my head. I know I made the right call to be alone but let me tell you no one says for an extrovert being alone could be so lonely.